It's Something

Ahhhh. To believe what you have started is the something. The something that is what you are supposed to be. I guess that is what I feel my artist journey is. It is like agh! There is this spark in me. It is so big and grand and electrifying. It comes to me easy and naturally and I get fired up and get to release something all at the same time. I want to do it, I have it in me everyday, but I can't seem to find enough blank spaces to paint on.

I was recently talking to a friend, freaking out about my life. I didn't feel like my current job was what my soul really wanted. I felt the misalignment. Even though it was honest work, great pay, something to be proud of. But there was that dissonance. Because what I really want to be is an artist. To work for my own self, paint at my house, and sell my paintings to art collectors.

And so we were having a conversation and I was like what am I? What am I gonna do or be? If I quit this, it is the 50th job I am quitting and then what will I do? I desperately wanted her to say "YOU ARE AN ARTIST. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. YOU ARE GOING TO BE SUCCESSFUL THROUGH YOUR ART." But instead she just shrugged and agreed with me. She was like "you'll figure it out." And I felt taken aback, defeated. One of my very good friends didn't see that in me--what I really wanted her to see. Perhaps it did not cross her mind and perhaps I never made it known to her that this is what I am. In my moment of doubt I wanted someone else, who isn't me, to just say "honey, this is who you are and here is the way." I was frustrated for a second. Wow. My close friend doesn't push me to see this in me, or maybe doesn't see it in me because I show up as a different part of myself in this relationship. It has never been centered in art. She knew me long before I really dove into art.

Anyways, what I am trying to say is NO ONE is going to tell you who you are, or what you are gonna be. No one will take the reigns for you and say "go for it now." No one but you can make that decision. You could keep doing the things that seem satisfactory to others, or a good sounding gig to tell the family about, but no one knows but you. And instead of waiting around for someone to say that they believe in you, you have to just believe in yourself. And that sounds corny as hell, but it is very true.