Daily Work

So I’ve worked about 15 places in the past 5 years. Coffee shops, restaurants, pizza joints, grocery stores, countless odd jobs, preschools, and I’ve been a nanny twice with lots of house sitting and babysitting gigs. I go from place to place a lot. I currently work at the strip club in town. Being confined to one thing, never felt okay or alright to me. There was always something in me telling me to run. I'm trying to find more balance--having 2 very different jobs at the same time, so that more than just a few parts of me are at ease.

Taking the road less traveled is extremely difficult. It would have been so much easier, less stressful, and more stable to just do what has been done. To go to college, be someone or something that has already been written. To hear the rules and just follow them, so that I do not have to think twice about much. To not question authorities or belief systems or push boundaries.

Or to be able to just show up everyday for a job, do my work, go home, and then goof off. But instead, I find myself working, and then continously brainstorming how to get out of this mess. But the thing is, it is hard to think straight when you are in survival. If I could just have a job, and not spend it on any art, I'd be way more well off. But the thing is, there was always a fighter in me. I couldn't pinpoint myself. I wanted to explore more. See new people. Visit new enviroments. Every workplace I have ever stepped foot in has been entirely different. The people, the atmosphere, the pay, the general vibe. It is exciting to move around a lot. You never know what will happen when you stay put, but I have been so restless and on to the next place to seek what it is I desire. Yet I am not sure what that is. I am running myself in circles. I feel defeated and hopeful all at once.

I've always tried to think outside the box. There has to be another way. This cannot be it. I have taken on a lot of people's lame and small minded beliefs. I feel caught up in an echo chamber more often than not. It is agreeable and relatable to stoop down to the suffering of others. The not enoughness, the horrors of the world, the limited and scarce mindsets.

I guess to me what it means to be an artist is to dismantle the ideas that feel so set in stone, yet are not the end all be all. I do not believe in toxic positivity, but if I stopped having hope, I'd be better off dead. Hope is that sliver of magic that is coming to me. Hope is the awknowleding that right now things are not exactly how I want them to be but I am so hopeful that this is temporary, that there could be a breakthrough, that because I never let myself step into a mundane and monotonous future, I see that there are infinite possibilities and lives to live.

That I am just one person away from finding where I am meant to be. Or that maybe it is not in the place I am in where I am valued the most. Maybe it is like I am in a relationship with time and space before I knew what I was worth and I just accepted the small spaces that I have been keeping myself hidden in. I do not know. I am multiple energies at once. I show up in so many different spaces and I am perceived so many different ways. I have no idea where I am going with this post. It feels too easy to slip into dread, especially as an artist. I guess I feel like most people just don't get it. They could care less if I do art. And I am not trying to be a whiny little bitch. And maybe some people do care. But when you decide to venture out and be your own driver, ain't nobody else driving you. And that sucks. It is nice to just sit back and fucking relax and look out the window sometimes. But when you are the driver, ain't nobody telling you where to go but you, and ain't nobody really care if you end up getting where you were trying to go, it seems. None of this makes sense. I am feeling moody and frustrated. Goodbye.