Dealing With Self Doubt

Self-doubt is a natural feeling to have as a human being. We are constantly taking in a lot of information, and seeing all the cool things other people are doing. And as humans we have such a wide range and an insane spectrum of reality. But you cannot compare a potato to an apple. I mean, you can, but they are just two different things. They serve two completely different purposes. They cannot replace one another. Yeah they are both foods, but they are used in such different ways and in such different circumstances. I feel like no two humans are they same "food." Yeah it is a weird comparison. But the potato shouldn't pretend to be an apple or try and serve the purpose of an apple. Potatoes are a side dish, or for making french fries, or adding a starch to any great meal. But the apple, the apple is one of the most important fruits we have. It is sweet, and crunchy from the tree. It can be used for desserts, and salads, and for cider. Yeah these are silly examples and I am sure there are better ones out there but you get the point. I do not know why this is the first example that came to mind. But whatever. The apple comes from the tree and the potato from the ground. One is sweet and one is not. One is a fruit and one is vegetable. But the potato should just be the potato and the apple should just be the apple.

I feel like this is the way with humans. We should just be what we are, and not try and be another thing, because we won't be half as good as it anyways. The apple will never be the potato no matter how hard it tries. It would not make the same kind of french fries and I don't want sweet grainy mashed apples with butter and milk when I was really craving smooth silky, heavy fullfilling potatos. Some people like potatoes more than apples, or vice versa. But that doesn't mean one is inherently better than the other. Both are food from the earth that are so important to have.

So, how does this have to do with self-doubt? No one tells the potato to be a potato, only the potato knows what it needs to be and is that. It is just up to the apple to grow into the apple and be the apple and taste exactly how it tastes and no one can tell the apple that it is wrong for doing what the apple does. So, if you have a burning fire or a passion in you, or a whisper that feels persistent, only you can listen and follow it. And only you know what it is. And people may give you advice on how to be. Like the apple wants to see they potato grow and it would be like okay first make sure you have seeds and remain on the tree and blah blah blah. But the potato is literally like um I don't grow from trees. I grow from the ground, and I do not have seeds. Or even, the sweet potato (perhaps someone in the same field or a fellow artist) is like okay just do your best to be orange and sweet! But the regular, russet potato is like nah man, that just ain't me, that is just what you are supposed to be.

When it comes to purpose, there is something deep in us that we know to be true. We have just been taking advice from all the things that are not really us, or what we are meant to be. Maybe there are similarities between a sweet potato, and a russet potato. They grow in similar enviroments and they are part of the same family. And they grow in similar ways, but they are still inherently different and still serve slightly different purposes. I guess my point is that only you only know what you really are. You can't tell a potato to just be an apple. The potato is like bitch! I am a potato.

Okay enough of the fruits and vegetables. It can be really daunting to know who you are when you are surronded by all the things that you are not. I guess for me, I wax and wane. It is natural to feel like what you are doing isn't right because you see no one else doing it the way you long to do it. But that is why you have to be the one to do it.

I started painting about 6 years ago, and the feelings I had after completing a painting felt euphoric, and releasing and slightly intoxicating. Even if it was a simple water color or a weird face on a piece of paper. The act of literally painting something that never existed in physical form before felt so addicting. And even when it was just to get emotions or feelings out, it is like oh my god! Finally there is a place to put this madness that exists in me, so that it won't just fester inside me till I wither and die. Painting new paintings does feel that way for me. The amount of emotion I feel I use with layers of paint, or scribbles, is so much that it feels catastrophically important to me and my existence. If I painted and felt absolutely nothing, I'd be like alright I do not need to chase this in any way. But if you feel fired up, and worked up, and inspired by something, that is the sign to run towards it. Even writing this blogs, makes me feel something. It is never a to-do that I dread. It genuinely feels so fucking good, so freeing, and so flowing. My creative juices are flowing when I write, and the words just come striaght to my brain and I type them out. I love to paint. And I love to write just as much. I could write and ramble on forever. But I am gonna try and do at least 3 blogs a week, or perhaps one a day if I can. Because I LOVE it. And it feels like I am going in the direction of that which I seek. I do not doubt that I love to write. Maybe I am good at it, and maybe I am not. I am no author, or creative writing major, or journalist. But I know for a fact I enjoy writing, the creative proccess of it. It is so cool. To just see what comes out of one's mind. Same goes for painting. I am not Vincent Van Gough, or Picasso, but I am me, and I love to paint.

I know I am not where I am ending. But I am also not where I started. There is room for me to continue to turn in to and evolve into the artist I want to become. Yet, I am already so much more evolved from when I first ever even decided I wanted to pursue this. That is not self doubt, but maybe just pushing oursevlves into more. Self-doubt is telling yourself there is no way, or questioning who you are. Can I really do this? Yes. Look at so many younger selves and realize you are way more along than you thought. Maybe I am not at my end vision, but that is what visions and dreams are for. There would be nothing to pursue or look or work towards if you just had everthing you ever wanted with no effort. Life would be boring, restless, undesirable. Desire pushes us into more for ourselves. The artist is always improving, if not painting-wise, then the business side, or the ideas, or getting a bigger studio, or working on collaborations. The musician always has more to learn, more chords to play, more songs to sing. It will never end because it isn't supposed to. No one is supposed to know everything, have everything figured out, and whatnot. Even the greatest musicians have more to learn. Self-doubt is just the demon that tells us we cannot actually just be what we want to be. It is a liar, and the one thing standing in our way. You know where it is you want to go. You have just been listening to voices that are not going where it is you want to, and you start to forget who you are. I think the only way to help with self-confidence and esteem is to do the things we think we cannot do. Like, little things. I never thought I could bartend. I was like eh, I do not have that certain draw, I don't know jack shit about alcohol and I do not have mental space to learn about something I do not care that much about, or the social skills and the poise they have. But then, I just did it. And it made me feel more powerful. Like, yes, I can. And I don't know every drink ever. No bartender does. There is always more to learn. But it feels so silly, now, that I once thought it was something I didn't have in me. But the person that taught me, saw it in me. And he was like you got this. And had it been anyone else that taught me, I don't think it would have been the same feeling of power. It was just the very little spark of belief he had in me. And I know what you are thinking. Really? Bartending? Such an easy little thing. And now that I started bartending, I feel that way, (mainly because it is a dive bar) but before I bartended, I only saw my mental blocks and how hard it would be for my spacey and adhd and sometimes reserved self to do.