Finding Your Place

I was recently with a person whom I often sometimes butt heads with. I've always wished I could get her to see what I see, so that she'd finally understand me. But I finally had the realization that we are two different people, meant for completely different things. Her place in the world is not my place and will never be my place. And I guess what I am trying to say is to not take advice from people who do not live the life you seek, or desire. Their path is simply not yours.

I know that I have such an inner rebellion in me, and sometimes that gets in my way. But we were walking in a neighborhood the other day, and all her favorite houses were my least favorite. She liked the sleek, modern, prim and proper new builds, while I will always love the charming, old houses with windchimes and random stuff in the yard, and lots of character that could never be replicated. I like color and personality, and a free spirit. She likes walls painted gray. She is unbothered by bright lights and store bought mass produced art. What we seek in a home could not be more polar opposite.

To me, that feels souless, lifeless, and meaningless. But to her and many others they see no problem in it, it is what they prefer. It calms them and brings a sense of something. I am not more right than her, as she is not more right than me. But I realized I am absolutely wasting my energy on convincing someone who has such different values than me, that what I do is valuable.

Only people that share similar values as you, can see that. I like loudness and expressiveness and weird clothes and weird music and individuality. I like antiques and I hate new things. I love people that wear unique things and are tattooed and appear to just show up how they want to, exactly as they are. I hate security cameras at houses and I hate brand new cars and I do not like uniforms or high wasted jeans or bright lighting. I like writing and dreaming and listening to music in a charming space with character. It is what I love. I do not like fancy couches that are not comfortable. But other people have different preferences than me. Other people dislike things that I like. I do not like apartment complexes because I cannot stomp or scream and I feel confined. Some people do not have the need to stomp and scream or have the need for more space. They are so content in that space and that is all they need. And I wish my needs were just so simple. I wish I didn't crave so much more. I wish I didn't need color and chaos and excitement and change and certain things in my space. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so much. But I can't help it, it is just who I am. And I have so much faith that it will all make sense one day, because it will.

I need constant movement, color, expression, inspiration, stimulation, and big feeling. I need art and creative juices around me, whether people or spaces that inspire it. And I hate to sound so blunt and outrageous, but the people living copy and paste life of someone else, or just wear jeans and a white t-shirt every day could never do it for me.

We were on a hike and there were two separate paths leading to the same end. And I said "right or left?" and she said "it doesn't matter, they both connect to each other and end up in the same place." And when she said that, I subconciously allowed myself to hear something else. She was talking about the hike, but what I heard was that it doesn't fucking matter which way you decide to go because at the end of the day, no matter how far you stray or how far you go from someone else, you will end up together, maybe not at the same time, but you will end up in the same circumstance, and that is death. And yeah it is morbid, but also freeing. And death is scary because no one knows where we go or what happens, but it is the one thing we will all face no matter the road we take. And not to get all existential, but sometimes you really have to, in order to give yourself permission and acceptance on the path you decided to take. You decided to go the way you wanted, and it isn't the way someone else wanted you to go, and you are on separate paths, but it all connects, it is all connected to that same giant something, and in the end, you will both reach the same exact point. And most people will always reach that point alone, because we go at separate paces, we notice different things even though we are all on the same hike.

And that probably sounds really stupid and cheesey as fuck. But it is true. Just trust the road you decided to walk, and it isn't the same one they wanted you to go on. They wanted you to come with them. But it wasn't the way that I felt drawn to.